shift gear
by fiction fetishist
Summary: 5 times Kagami didn't join the basketball team, and 1 time he definitely didn't. (Or, alternatively: But where is the Spam button when you need it?) — Kagami, GoM


**Fandom:** Kuroko no Basuke

**Characters/Pairings:** Kagami, GoM + Takao, Momoi and Himuro

**Words:** 1949

**Summary:** 5 times Kagami didn't join the basketball team, and 1 time he _definitely_ didn't. (Or, alternatively: But where is the Spam button when you need it?)

—

notes: this fic has been sitting in my wip folder for who knows how long lol. i guess i just wanted to experiment with the idea of an au kagami who _doesn't_ like basketball ? anyway, it's been ages since i last wrote something so i hope this isn't _too_ bad.

p.s. i love kagami. really, i do.

—

**1.**

"Kagami-kun."

"God—fucking—" Kagami exclaims, nearly choking on his burger. "H-how many times have I told you not to sneak up on me like that?!"

Kuroko blinks before answering simply, "…I've been sitting here the whole time."

"Oh, um," Kagami says. Shit, this was awkward.

"It's alright," Kuroko says, in a way that didn't sound the least bit accusing yet made Kagami feel like shit anyway. "I'm actually glad to have caught you."

"Uh, really?" Kagami asks, choosing to believe.

"Yes," Kuroko replies, taking a sip from his vanilla shake. "I was wondering if you'd like to reconsider joining the basketball team—"

Oh, Kagami thinks, so _that's_ what it was. "Look," he says, trying his best to seem apologetic, "I appreciate the offer—I really do—but, basketball's just not my thing, y'know?"

"I know," Kuroko replies, folding his hands neatly on the table—a sign that this was Serious Business—"and I'd hate to force you to play if you really don't want to, but seeing you in P.E. earlier… Well, perhaps you could consider trying out for just a while? You might enjoy it more than you think."

Kagami sighs, scratches his head. He honestly did feel bad about it, but "I really don't—"

"We've even acquired a new mascot."

"A… mascot?" Kagami didn't think Japanese schools even _had_ those.

"Yes," Kuroko replies, picking up his phone and presumably looking for a photo. The coach is quite taken with him. We call him Nigou. Here," Kuroko says, turning the screen to face Kagami, "isn't he adorable?"

Kagami ends up owing Kuroko a month's worth of vanilla shakes for knocking his phone out the window and then running away without saying sorry.

.

**2.**

"Yo," Kise says, waltzing into the classroom like it's actually his. "Ready to join today, Kagamicchi?"

"No," Kagami frowns, stuffing his notes into his bag. Kise was persistent, he'll give him that. He might even give him an 'A' for effort if it didn't already stand for _asshole_.

"Aww, what's with the long face, Kagamicchi?" Kise asks, leaning on Kagami's desk and _way_ into Kagami's personal spaaace. "Grades? girls? Nothing basketball can't fix, I'm sure."

"I already _told_ you," Kagami snaps. "I'm not joining your dumb team. Not today, not tomorrow, not ever. I don't _like_ basketball. Never have, never will. And for god's sake, _stop _calling me Kagamicchi."

"Woah, easy there, Kagamicchi," Kise smiles, raising his palms. "It was just a suggestion. You don't _have_ to if you don't want to."

"Well I _don't_ want to, so could you leave?"

"No need to be so hasty," Kise pouts. "Besides, are you _sure_ you don't want to? I mean, I didn't really like basketball either before, and now look at me!"

"All the more reason _not_ to try, if you ask me," Kagami snorts.

Kise's face straightens. "You know, Kagamicchi," he says, slowly. "Kaijou is _very_ particular about having extracurriculars. "As the school year's just started, you're allowed to take it easy and go home like you do now… But rest assured, you'll have to join us eventually."

"And what's stopping me from just joining some other club, huh?" Kagami counters.

"I've got a lot of friends," Kise grins. Kagami rolls his eyes. "One word from me and they could easily reject your application. So, ready to join yet?"

Kagami smiles. "Not a chance."

Kise always did enjoy a challenge.

.

**3.**

"What are you two, salesmen?" Kagami says, by way of greeting. It wasn't exactly a good way to start the day always being held up at his shoe locker like this. "I swear, you're worse than those people back in the states asking me if I believed in Jesus."

Takao and Midorima turn to look at each other briefly before turning back to him.

"I don't really get what you're talking about," Takao says, "but we just want you to give the basketball team a chance."

"And _I_ just want to get through the day without you two holding me up like this," Kagami replies, rolling his eyes.

"Then join us!" Takao says excitedly. "You've got the perfect build. Plus, it's loads of fun, right, Shin-chan?"

"I highly doubt I would classify it as 'fun'—"

"Hahaha, okay, rewind," Takao says quickly, moving in front of Midorima. "The basketball team would love to have you, Kagami Taiga, as a member, so if you could just spare a few minutes to—"

"Pass."

"Huh?"

"I told you, I don't want to join. I don't like basketball and I don't want to be a part of your basketball team."

"But—"

"I'm gonna be late," Kagami says, tugging on his bag and making a move for the hallway. "So, if you'll excuse me."

"Come on," Takao calls, "even just a few minutes—"

"Leave him be, Takao," Midorima sighs, placing a hand on Takao's shoulder. "Luck simply isn't on our side today. It would be pointless to continue further."

Takao snaps his fingers. "And I was so _sure_ I at least got him interested this time."

"There's always tomorrow," Midorima consoles.

"Yeah, I guess," Takao supposes. "It's already been a week, though. How are we gonna tell Miyaji-senpai?"

Midorima pauses. "We don't."

.

**4.**

"Dai-chan, come _on_," Momoi says, tugging at Aomine's arm in an attempt to get him to _move_. "Kagami-kun is almost done with gym class. We need to hurry if we wanna catch him in the locker room."

Aomine snatches his arm away. "I still don't get why you're so obsessed with him. He doesn't look anything special."

"_That's_ because you don't have an eye for these kinds of things," Momoi tells him, pulling at his arm again. "Now come on, before we miss him."

"Why do I even need to come with you, anyway?" Aomine grumbles, dragging his feet.

"B_ecause_," Momoi replies, "you can't expect _me_ to just go in the _boy's_ locker room all by myself, do you? I need someone to cover for me."

Aomine rolls his eyes. _This_, coming from someone who's spent years barging into his bathroom trying to get him ready for school in the morning. "Even if it's just you," he reasons, "I'm pretty sure the guys would throw a welcome party if they saw you come in."

"What do you mean, _just_ me—oh, shoot, Kagami-kun's heading this way. Quick, Dai-chan, we need to hide."

"Why do _I_ need to—"

"Just… get… in…"

"Argh—wait—Satsuki—quit _pushing—god_," Aomine breathes—or rather, doesn't—limbs being crushed every which way. Fuck, he thinks. Being cramped in a tiny-ass locker with his childhood friend while she spied on some other dude was _so_ not how he wanted his afternoon to go down.

"Stay _still_," Momoi whisper-yells, tiptoeing painfully on his feet. "I can't see Kagami-kun clearly."

"_You're_ the one who's squirming around—"

"Shhh! Kagami-kun's about to take off his shirt!"

Jesus, Aomine prays. What kind of sick punishment was this? "This better be fucking worth it, Satsuki," he warns. "If he's not at _least_ NBA-level good, you are _so_ not allowed to drag me anywhere ever ag—_augh_!"

"Oh my fucking god, what the _hell_?!" Kagami yells.

"Shit, quit your yelling," Aomine groans, massaging his side. Damn, falling out of a locker fucking _hurt_. "Ah, shit, Satsuki—!"

"Dai-chan… get… off me…"

"Shit, sorry, are you okay?"

"Um," Kagami interjects, "I hate to interrupt this… 'moment'… but would you mind explaining what the _hell_ you were doing hiding in a locker?!"

"Uhh," Aomine says, intelligently. "Satsuki wanted to see you naked."

It was hard to convince the principal that spying on the new transfer student while he was changing was 'purely for the purposes of research for the basketball club' and not a cause for disciplinary action after that.

.

**5.**

"Taiga," Himuro says. "Fancy meeting you here."

"Yeah," Taiga replies. "Easy to say that when you're not the one _tied to a fucking chair_! Like seriously Tatsuya, what the _fuck_?! You told me you were gonna show me around, not—"

"Atsushi."

"Got it, Muro-chin."

"Hey! What the hell do you think you're—mmmph! mrmmmn _mmmrmhph_!"

"Much better," Himuro says, far too composed for someone who had just gagged and ambushed an unsuspecting individual—an unsuspecting individual, who, Kagami might add, considered himself a _brother_. So much for _that_ childhood, he supposes.

"Now, now," Himuro continues. "This is simply a matter of business. You see," he gestures, to what, Kagami doesn't know. As far as he can tell, this is just a dingy old storage room. "You _see_," Himuro repeats, not taking kindly to his telepathic comebacks, "Yosen is in a good position this year to win it all this year—Interhigh, Winter Cup, you name it. 'So, what do you need me for?' you might ask"—Kagami rolls his eyes—"Well, admittedly, some of it is selfishness on my part—it pains me to see you waste your talent away like this—but mostly, it's because it wouldn't hurt to have another good player on the team."

Himuro pauses, then, sending him a look that says, 'Yes, you', before raising his palms and going, "I know, I know, you're thinking, 'But I don't even like basketball'. Well, neither does Atsushi, and he still plays. Isn't that right, Atsushi?"

Murasakibara nods, "Right."

"See?" Himuro says. "You'll fit right in. Now, if you could just sign this club registration form…" Himuro frowns, digging deeper into his bag. "Atsushi, have you seen the form? It should have been right here…"

"…Oh," is all Murasakibara has to say.

"'Oh'?" Himuro asks. "Atsushi, what do you mean, 'oh'? You didn't… you did, didn't you."

"I'm really sorry, Muro-chin."

"No, no, it's alright. I suppose I shouldn't have put it near that bag of chips." Himuro sighs, "Come on, let's go get another." Then, as if an afterthought, "You wait right here, Taiga, we'll come back."

They don't.

Kagami doesn't know whether to be relieved or offended.

.

**#**

"Join the basketball club."

"Huh?" Kagami turns around, looking around for the source of the voice. The hallway was mostly empty, and none of the few students seemed to be calling for him. "I guess I was just heari—"

"You _dare_ ignore me?" a voice warns. Kagami feels a shiver up his spine and a rough yank at his collar, an unknown force slamming him straight against the nearby lockers.

"What the fuck—" he grits, before he feels hands turn him around, bringing him face to face with red eyes and sharp edges.

"_Don't_ underestimate me, Kagami Taiga," Akashi says, hands on a pair of bright red scissors close to snapping dangerously. "I don't take well to insubordination."

"I'm _sorry_?!" Kagami nearly shrieks, adrenaline running high and fear even higher. He can just picture it now: 'Transfer Student Brutally Murdered on First Day of School'. This is what his tombstone will read, he thinks, the legacy he'll leave behind. This is all his life will amount to. Fucking incredible.

"Apology accepted," Akashi declares, and Kagami lets go of the breath he hadn't even known he was holding. "I'll see you at the gym at 3 o'clock sharp."

"Right," Kagami manages to say. "Of course. I'll be there."

"Good," Akashi smiles, not unlike a serial killer watching his victim draw his last breath. "Wouldn't want any _trouble_ now, do we."

Kagami nods, "No, no trouble," and watches as Akashi finally, _finally_, puts those scissors back to god knows where, and leaves him be.

"Enjoy the rest of the schoolyear," Akashi calls out, seconds later, voice echoing ominously through the corridor.

Kagami ponders how much of his belongings he'd have to pawn off to get a flight back to America on such short notice.


End file.
